So I flew 5,000 miles to Manchester Tennessee this weekend for Bonnaroo, where 90,000 hippies/frat boys/hipsters/underagers camp out in mind-altering heat to see a variety of indie/folk/electronic/rock/soul acts on 700 acres of farmland. Now that my brain has returned to a normal temperature, here’s what I remember:

- The Tennessee sun feels like pressing a George Foreman grill against your face and body from sunrise (630am) until you sleep pass out from exhaustion. Pemberton was a walk-in freezer compared to this. I have never seen so many people just lying prostrate wherever they fell down, and I now look like one of those minstrel show blackface characters.

- Best festival vibes ever. You could punch someone in the face here and they’d apologize and ask if you were okay.

- The $7 shower would probably have been worth it (even with a one hour wait). Going from Thursday to Monday night without bathing, maybe not the best idea.

- Best/My Favorite Performance: Dan Deacon Ensemble – A must see. They had an entire tent of fans doing interpretive dance, as well as a 1-on-1 “tag your man” dance-off circle. The frontman may or may not have fired the bass player during the set – “Get outta here! Bass players are a dime a dozen!” These guys redefine stage presence and audience engagement.

- #2 Favorite Performance: Beth Ditto of The Gossip is to dancerock what Shaq is to basketball. Huge, overwhelmingly powerful, fun, hilarious, one of the greatest.

- Honorable Mention: Phoenix (would have been better if Ween didn’t put us to sleep with a 3 hour set in the scorching heat beforehand, but still had an exhausted crowd bouncing with a sincere effort, and a killer finish) and LCD Soundsystem (where throwing glowsticks at James Murphy is a team sport).

- Best band I’d never heard of: John Butler Trio. (disco country?!? MORE PLEASE.)

- Honorable Mention: Dead Weather (Jack White and the dude from The Kills)

- Performer that caused the entire audience to fist-pump for 60 minutes straight (except when he dared to play a drum and bass track): dub-step freak Bassnectar

- Performer nonpareil: Stevie Wonder - Not much to say, I think the entire festival attended this one. Sounded awesome but I couldn’t see him at all. Likewise, probably.

- Performers with the Most aggro, vibe-ruining fans (the only ones in the entire festival): Jay-Z / Deadmau5

- Most Disappointing: Nas with Damian Marley (a 10 minute appearance? maybe because no one knew Represent?)

- Worst Music and Lyrics Ever: Michael Franti. I fell asleep to his mind-numbing reggae and was woken up by his horrible Shake It song, which sounds like it was written by an Yugoslavian immigrant just learning English who knows 2 chords on guitar.

- Some other bands I rocked out to but can only muster three words to describe: Tenacious D (energizing, hilarious, sweaty), She & Him (cute, fresh, soulmate), The Flaming Lips (man in ball)

- Worst Buzzkill: The girls selling  ice-cold beers for $1 (Us: Thanks for the beers! Nice business you got! Them: It’s all going to court on Monday.)

- Best One-Hour Best Friend: Lindsay the mixed hottie from Toronto, who traded racist jokes on the bus with me before vanishing as quickly as she appeared. (Her: I’m half Indian! Me: You mean like this [pokes middle of forehead] or like this? [mimes powowow chant])

- Number of Hairy Beavs Spotted: 1

- Number of Cape-draped Dongs flashed/tackled at Phoenix: 1

- Number of Bare Boobs covered by nothing but volunteer finger paint: So many, and yet not enough

- Number of attendees with tattoos: 95% of 100,000

- Number of hillbilly southern accents and sayings overheard: A Billion Gajillion

- Number of New Yorkers camped with: 4

- Number of Brooklyn, Joisey or other “TV” New York accents heard: 0

- Number of $7 showers taken: 0

- Number of free “mist” showers taken: 3 per hour

- Number of shitty American beers consumed: Too many to count

- Number of sun-ripened, thrice-thawed Salmonella Burgers consumed: 4

- Number of times passed out in front of a booming bassbin and woken by concerned security guards: 1

- Number of disposable cameras purchased for trip: 2

- Number of pictures taken: 0

- Pairs of Moldy Shoes left behind: 1

- Number of skin rashes brought home: 2

Other random thoughts:

- Do we really need glowsticks at a Jay-Z concert?

- All festivals start to smell like feces after a couple days

- In 110 degree heat, a large fountain spurting cold brown recycled water becomes heaven on earth,  with nubile college sorority girls frolicking happily with no regard for their (lack of) bikini tops. I approve!